


love letters to a girl

by falterth



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Love Letters, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love, learning to love yourself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-28 14:06:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16724847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falterth/pseuds/falterth
Summary: Five letters Sakura wrote. (Four girls she could have loved, and one she learned to love along the way.)





	love letters to a girl

**Author's Note:**

> because every fic i write is a love letter to the characters of the naruto world. i’m sure people write letters in the naruto world. letters written to and from hidden villages, letters from one civilian to her mother in a different country, letters exchanged between people who can’t talk with each other, letters issued from the hokage to a subordinate . . . words, words, words. here are sakura’s.
> 
> each letter is set in a separate timeline except the last, which takes place in all four.

Dear Ino,

I know I could just talk to you in person and tell you all of this but I don’t have the nerve. You’re my best friend and you said I could tell you anything, so I’ll tell you this.

Remember when I had a crush on Sasuke? Remember when I said I’d grow up and marry him? Remember when you told me I could be more beautiful than a cosmos flower? I thought I would settle down with him and have a bunch of kids and help him revive the Uchiha Clan. I thought I would kiss him every day before I went to work.

You need to know I’ve given up on that. I fell out of love with Sasuke when he tried to kill me. It’s okay. You might still love him. I know we agreed to stop competing and you hang out with Sai a lot and you might be dating him. If you told me you were dating him I would congratulate you and smile but I’d hate it on the inside.

“Hey, Sakura,” you’d say. We would be eating lunch together like usual. Your hair would be pulled back in a ponytail and you’d look so beautiful.

“Yeah?” I’d ask.

“I can tell you anything, right?” you’d say. I would get my hopes up for something that won’t happen.

“Of course you can tell me anything,” I’d say.

Of course you can tell me anything. I’ll always listen to you no matter what you say. I love you. Even if you told me you hated me I’d love you. Even if you were mad at me I would love you. Even if you never talked to me again I would love you. Even if you said you’ve always thought I was ugly I would love you. I would love you because you’re Ino, my best friend in the whole world.

“Well,” you’d start. Pause. Take a little breath. “I’ve been spending a lot of time with Sai recently.”

I don’t know if you know the way I hang onto your every word. All your actions, all your words, the breath that brushes past your lips on a dewy morning where I feel like we’re the only people to exist. I’d nod—I’d nod yes, I know you’ve been hanging around him. What’s up?

“Actually,” you’d say, scratching your nose, “I’m dating him.”

I’d blink. Ask you if I heard you wrong.

No, I’m dating him.

You’re dating him?

I’d congratulate you. I love you. I would never do anything else. If you were happy with him that’d be enough for me. But I’d wish you were dating me.

I love you so much. I love you so much it hurts. I want to hold your hand every day and kiss you on the cheek and take you out on a date. I want to get down on one knee and propose to you. I want to say happy anniversary to you every year for the rest of our lives.

I hope you feel the same.

Sakura.

*

Dear Hinata,

We didn’t talk much before everything happened. Do you still have a crush on Naruto? Do you still remember the way he cheered you on during the Chūnin Exams ten years ago?

It’s selfish of me, but I hope you don’t.

I’m going to be forward with you. I love you. Is it the pale skin and dark hair that drew me in? Maybe it’s irrelevant. I think I liked you before I liked your looks. I liked the way you brushed your hair out of your face. I liked the way you pushed your fingers together when you didn’t know what to say. I liked the way you talked to me.

I exist around you. When we read together in the library you turn me into existence with every flip of the page. When we walk together I measure myself by the length of your strides.

After Sasuke left I felt alone. Haruno Sakura was alone in a world that didn’t love her. People talked to me and I felt like I was looking out at them from behind a paper screen. Your fingers tore it open and reached in and plucked my heart out of my chest.

When you’re around me I’m grounded. I love you. I love you!

It’s weird to think that about someone other than Sasuke. It’s weird to think I’m curled up on the chair at my desk with a mug of tea and I’m writing I love you on a piece of paper I might not even send. I want to tell you in person. You deserve more than paper. The teachers at the academy told me I was destined to be a paper-nin. So why is it that I enjoy direct action so much? It all feels far away now, like so many of the things that happened.

I was a paper-nin. I graduated. Kakashi-sensei didn’t train me as well as he could have. Sasuke left and Naruto went away for three years. War happened. I fell in love with you. You laughed and I loved you from far away. Do you love someone else? Do you love Naruto?  _ Did _ you love Naruto? I don’t know if I’ll ever find out.

When I was little I loved to watch lovey-dovey couples from the high window of my house. They loved each other so much and were always so happy. I wanted to know if it was possible for me to have someone. Could I have that? Could  _ we _ have that?

Maybe you love someone else. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you don’t love anyone and you’re waiting in the Hyūga compound for someone to reach out to you like you reached out to me. Have I done that? Have I made you feel like you’re not alone? Have I been a good enough friend? If there’s a screen separating you from everyone else, have I punched through it yet?

Do you love me?

Sakura.

*

Dear Karin,

You know, I thought you were a total freak when I met you. I’m sorry! You followed Sasuke around everywhere and I could practically see the stars in your eyes. Now that I look back on it, I must have seemed like the same kind of person to you. I think I would have killed to be with Sasuke at one point.

You came close to being that person.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for anything and everything that happened between us. I’m sorry for the scars people gave you and I’m sorry they killed your mother. It won’t make you feel better. I don’t know if anything can. I know you go to therapy. I’m glad. I’m proud of you.

A month ago you told me you wished people knew you better.

I know you, I wanted to say. I never did tell you though. I didn’t want to sound overbearing. I didn’t want to sound like a creep. I didn’t want to be all those other people who got close to you so they could use you as a chakra battery and not feel shitty about it. I wanted to tell you there was someone out there who knew you.

And I do.

I know you don’t like to go to the public baths because you’re ashamed of your scars. I know you shower at home even though the water pressure’s shit because you feel like you have to hide. I know you like mochi. I know your favorite throwing weapon is shuriken. I know you have to aim to the right of a target because your arm always wants to throw left. I know you like to spar with me because I give your strength a run for its money. I know you had to teach the Eye of Kagura to yourself because nobody was there to help you. I know you usually forget to take off your shoes before going into your house. I know you never wear matched socks. I know you like fingerless gloves better than fingered ones. I know you like your jackets short. I know you don’t like to cry because you don’t think you should be allowed to. I know you cry around me.

How do I say that to you without sounding like a loser? How do I say that to you without sounding like a stalker? We’ve known each other for three years now.

I love you. I was trying to build up to it. I sat wondering for five minutes how I could lead into this. It’s a love letter. It’s so obviously a love letter. Maybe I should have led with that. Maybe I should have led with  _ I know you and I know I love you.  _ Maybe I should have led with  _ hey, Karin, I love you _ instead of writing a speech.

For every ending, there is a new beginning.

Hey, Karin. I love you.

Sakura.

*

Dear Tenten,

I’m glad you taught me how to use a staff. And a sword. And nunchucks. And a scythe. And a fan. I’m glad we’re friends.

When you holed yourself away in your weapons shop after the war ended and Neji died I never thought you would come back out. What could I do? What could I do to help you, when not even Lee could bring you out?

Naruto told me to break down your door. I said no. Sasuke told me not to bother. I decked him in the face. Gai-sensei said Tenten’s always wanted someone she could share her passions with and I said I could be that person.

Tenten.

What?

Teach me how to use a staff, please.

You smiled. You smiled and said sure. Your hair is always done up in buns but you had it down that day. Maybe you’d had it down for a week. Maybe since Neji died you decided not to put up your hair unless you were going out with everyone. I asked you to teach me to wield a staff and you closed up the shop for the day, tied your hair into two neat buns, and led me to a training ground.

You whooped my ass. I’d never felt so sore. I felt accomplished, though. I was learning. I was doing something with myself besides healing. It drains a person, you know . . . healing. You give and give and give. And people live.

I held a staff in my hands and you corrected my stances. We met twice a week and you trained me. What do I remember most about it? Rough wood in my hands. Your body curved around mine, an arm stretched out straight to correct my form. Your legs sliding on the grass of the training ground. The clearness in your eyes.

I’d planned to get you to come out a little and be happy and then maybe we could be friends. Twice a week lessons turned into thrice a week, and even more, until you decided to move me onto other weapons.

It’s been years. I thought we were going to be friends.

Instead I fell in love.

You make my chest feel like mush whenever I talk to you. I sweat more. Breathing feels a little harder. I want to look at you and look away at the same time. I can’t seem to focus but at the same time I’m hyper-focused. I notice the creases in your clothing. The little strands of hair that don’t quite make it into your buns.

I fell in love with you.

Sakura.

*

Dear Haruno Sakura,

I love you.

You used to define yourself by what other people thought. If Ino didn’t love you you were no one. If Ino didn’t think you were pretty you were ugly. Ino liked dresses so you put them on every day. Sasuke happened, and you didn’t change. If Sasuke didn’t love you you were no one. If Sasuke didn’t love you you were undesirable. Sasuke liked long hair so you grew yours out. Your life revolved around Sasuke.

Did you ever learn to be your own person? When you reached out toward Sasuke’s retreating figure, vision blurring, body falling to the ground, did you ever stop to think about what you wanted? Did you ever think you could exist without Sasuke? Did you think you would crumble to dust if he left? When Naruto threw himself away and made the promise to bring him back, did you think about how hard it would be?

Years passed and you ran yourself to an empty husk of what you could have been. You healed so you could fix Sasuke when he finally came back. You became strong so you could help bring Sasuke back. You looked to the sky and thought of Sasuke. Nobody loved you. You thought you were alone. Naruto loved you but you didn’t know that until years later.

Who was there to love you when you cried for three days straight after Sasuke left the village for the first time? Who was there to love you when he left the second time, running, running, running away from the village on years-long missions?

I’ll tell you who was there. I was.

I was there. I loved you even if I didn’t realize it yet. I didn’t think you were ugly when Ino might have called you ugly. I didn’t think you were desirable because there was a chance Sasuke would have liked you. I loved you.

When I was a little girl I looked into the mirror and loved the person staring back. I loved the little girl with a too-big forehead and an awkward lisp she grew out of when she turned ten.

You used to think you hated yourself. I’ll love you for the years you lost. When you feel lonely, when you lie up and stare at the ceiling, I love you. When you brush your bangs out of your face and trace the seal on your forehead and wonder if you could have been any different, I love you. I love you now. I loved you then. I love you forever. There is no part of you I don’t love.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Even when other people hate you, I love you. If they make fun of you I’ll love you even more. If you ever think you’re not worth it, I love you. I love you so much. It took so long to realize how much I love you. I love every single bit of you. Everything. I love your love for Sasuke. I love your love for Tsunade. I love your love for Naruto. I love your love for everyone you have ever healed. I love your love for the village. I love your hatred, your bitterness. I love your sadness.

I love your soul. I love your mind. I love you as you are. If you want to change, I love you. If you want to stay the same, I love you.

You are not self-absorbed. You are not selfish. You are not demanding. You are not bossy. And even if you are, I love that. No matter what, you will never be able to shake my love. Even if everyone tells you you’re worthless, they hate you, and you start to feel it—read this. Read the letter you wrote. Read it. I love you. Read the love letter you wrote to yourself and remember one person always loves you.

You’re invaluable. Priceless. A gem in the rough. Nobody will ever be you and nobody will ever come close to being you. You are unique. Your pink hair, your green eyes, the little gap between your front teeth you tried to push together when you were five and thought that would actually work.

I love you so much. I love you to the ends of the earth. I love you beyond the stars.

You used to think you were empty. You used to think nobody would love you if nobody did. Nobody will love me unless someone loves me. Right? You were alone then but you’re not now. Never again. I’m here. I love you. I love you so much.

It’s hard to write this. It’s hard to tell myself I love you because I’ve gone so long without hearing it. It’s hard to tell myself I deserve unconditional love. I love you forever—can I love myself for that long? Can I be strong enough to love myself when I feel like no one could? Can I be strong enough to trace the scars that crisscross my body and say I’m lovely even though my skin is marred? I can. I will. If you’re not strong enough, I will be. I love you.

If you hate yourself, it’s okay.

If you hate yourself, I love you. If you love yourself, I love you. If you think you could do better than this, I love you. If you wake up with a smile on your face, I love you. If you break down crying in the middle of the day because you remember something you were trying to forget, I love you.

If you can’t love yourself, read this letter. I’ll do the loving for you.

Sakura.

**Author's Note:**

> comments are appreciated!!
> 
> talk to me in [gama-chan party](https://discord.gg/g25p3S3), a naruto fanfiction server run by me and a few friends. it'd be great if anyone joined! i am also on [twitter](https://twitter.com/falterth)


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